Is the essay good or bad? what should i work on?

Answers:3   |   LastUpdateAt:2017-10-04 03:20:33  

Asked at
I am applying to U of Wisconsin Madison. one of their essay questions is, "how will you presence enrich our community?"

This is my essay:

I would like to attend University of Wisconsin because I believe I can enrich the campus environment by bring a diverse group of accomplishments, beliefs, talents, and interests.
From the many accomplishments I have achieved, I am the most proud of is becoming the president of the Muslim Student Association. The Muslim Student Association, or MSA, is an organization at university and high school campuses across America which helps fellow students learn about the religion Islam. I became president my junior year in high school by working hard in the club, helping students out with questions they had on Islam, organizing dinners and charity events, even giving a few speeches. I am extremely proud of this accomplishment because I learned a lot while on my journey to becoming president. For example I learned quite a bit about Islam, I learned how to talk in front of big crowds, and how to plan events. Also I really wanted to be president since my freshmen year, and through hard work and dedication I have achieved my goal. I believe I will be able to do the same at University of Wisconsin Madison, where I will earn solid grades and pursue a degree in psychology, and become a clinical psychologist through hard work and dedication.

Furthermore I would like to discuss one of my important beliefs. I have many beliefs all of which came through life experiences. My most important belief is feeding the hungry. I always walk around the city of Chicago, while on my walks I notice many homeless and hungry people begging for money and food. I try to help as many as I can, but one person can’t cure world hunger. This is why I believe we should as a community build soup kitchens or in any other way help supply the hungry with food. Actions towards ending hunger will benefit our communities by reducing deaths significantly, since almost 16,000 children die from hunger-related causes every day. That’s about one child every five seconds. I believe if I came to University of Wisconsin I can gain people’s attention toward the problem of world hunger, and hopefully make a movement towards reducing it.
Moreover, an excellent talent I possess is communication. I can hold conversations with many people about anything. Learning how to communicate is key to living in a diverse society. And on a diverse campus like University of Wisconsin without communicating with new students of different ethnic/cultural backgrounds you will be depriving yourself of important aspects of the college experience, one of which is trying new things. I also believe that this talent will help me in the field I would like to study in, psychology.

I have always been intrigued with the human brain. After taking A.P. Psychology at school, it further reinforced my interest in this subject matter. There are many facets of this field that can be explored whether it’s clinical, educational, industrial, or behavioral and so on. I personally find the specialty of clinical psychology the area I would like to pursue. Clinical psychology deals with the diagnosis and treatment of psychological disturbances.
In order to attain this goal, I plan to pursue a psychology degree in college and then go on for my masters at a school for professional psychology. As a clinical psychologist, I would love to gain experience in scoring and administering psychological tests, administering a community health program, and engaging in patient therapy. With this exposure I hope to one day open a public clinic of my own that would further research the human mind and find ways to help individuals cope with their differences.

Will this be good or should i start over?

This Question:"Is the essay good or bad? what should i work on?" No answers yet. Be the first!
Related Questions
  • Answer This Question:Is the essay good or bad? what should i work on?