Please edit/critique my college application essay?

Answers:0   |   LastUpdateAt:2012-11-04 09:02:11  

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its not complete yet; i dont know how exactly i should end it. the topic is:

describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.



Originally as baffled and flabbergasted as any student entering high school, I had not a clue about my life’s direction; desiring to change the world was too broad a concept to single out a pursuit with such little direction thus far. Aspiring to complete my community service hours and looking for insight into my future plans, that summer I immediately launched a volunteer job in which I would hold the responsibility of coordinating the summer camp activities of elementary-aged children.
Since my freshman year, I have volunteered as a camp counselor for younger children with the immediate realization that I delighted in our interactions and wished to pursue a career relating to pre-adolescents. To the roughly three hundred students I’ve worked with to date, I have been a role model, a friend, and a source of encouragement. With such power thrust within me to affect the lives of these young people, I have derived from those various summer jobs an implanted sense of responsibility, as well as impeccable time-management skills and the drive to coordinate and complete my assigned tasks.
Upon entering high school, I opted to take an intro to psychology class. With my thirst for knowledge and much intrinsic motivation, I longed to uncover the mysteries of human behavior. The first days of class led to an epiphany, in which I had chosen child psychology for my life’s pursuit. Besides the delectation of inspiring and assisting troubled children, a career such as this would help to spark a brighter future for America’s next generation. What better way to acquire such knowledge needed to change the world than to attend the most prestigious university in the state of Florida?
As a Florida Gator, I feel as though I would be a positive, motherly source of inspiration to my campus community in times of hardship, as well as a self-sufficient, prospering and worldly student, growing everyday in a stimulating learning environment.
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