Could you please proofread these two short paragraphs for my scholarship application?

Answers:1   |   LastUpdateAt:2012-11-06 02:26:02  

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Famous 5
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If anything seems out of place, or even something small I could add that would be greatly appreciated! MedlinePlus MedlinePlus MedlinePlus Why is the completion of a postsecondary program important to you, and what you hope to accomplish once you get a degree? MedlinePlus MedlinePlus "My name is ---, I have 18 years, almost a sophomore in college (one credit away!) And I have the intention to specialize in one of the social sciences.'m Going to choose between social work or psychology . I want to help people and give back to those in less fortunate situations in this world for college was an obvious choice and end, so I could get my degree. But the reality of well-paid work outside the school is rarer than rare, especially in the races that I would go. know that if not attended school, was to end in a good place at all, so I enrolled in college also. knew also if not pursue to acquire a degree, life would be hard. No school work to support enough to live a full life. Fulfillment for me means being happy and the means to live comfortably, aspects that are very important to Me. MedlinePlus MedlinePlus I recently came across an interesting quote that stuck in my mind. I do not remember word for word, but it sounded something like: "It's no coincidence when you want to enter a field of aid, such as a psychologist or social worker. This person has a life time of pain and endured anxiety, and this is the time to turn the world and help others who have encountered pain and anguish also. "He hit and stayed with me because it sounds very true. I grew up in an alcoholic home and because of my experiences I would like to help other people and families as well, who have been in difficult situations, thus my quest to give back to others and the community. There have been many difficult times in my life, but this scholarship would keep me on the right path to achieve my academic dreams of becoming a social worker or psychologist. '
Answer1DrewAnswered at 2012-10-16 15:20:54
Good work! Some parts of the trial seemed a little juvenile, and other repetitive. I changed a bit and came up with this: MedlinePlus MedlinePlus "My name is --- and I have 18 years of age.'m One credit away from being a sophomore in college, and I have the intention to specialize in one of the social sciences, preferably either social work or psychology. want to help people and give back to those in less fortunate circumstances. College was an obvious choice for me, not only because I want to get my degree, but because higher education is a big step for living a full life. Fulfillment for me means to be happy and have the means to live comfortably while doing something I love. know it's hard to find a good job without going to school, and even harder to get a job or social psychology, without a certificate. MedlinePlus MedlinePlus I recently came across an interesting quote that stayed with me. I do not remember it verbatim, but it went something like this: "It's no coincidence when you want to enter a field of help. This person has at one point in his life bore the pain and anxiety, and this is your time to turn the world and help others who have encountered pain and anguish too. 'I think the reason that this quote stuck with me is that it sounds true. grew up in an alcoholic home, and so, I am motivated to help other people or families who have been in difficult situations, therefore, give back to others and the community. believe that this scholarship would keep me on the right path to achieve my academic dreams of becoming a social worker or psychologist ". MedlinePlus MedlinePlus I'm not saying you have to change something, or that sounded bad before so I hope it does not offend you. But good luck with your scholarship, and I hope I helped. Feel free to message me with any questions. :)
Answer2sara stylesAnswered at 2012-11-06 02:24:10
Two problems:

Your assumptions about the necessity for college are wrong. eg Apprenticeship is a viable alternative to college.

There is a certain unattractive do-gooderism combined with self-pity in your essay (my alcoholic household, etc).

Do not waste your undergrad years studying Social Work or Psychology.
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